Yayyyy friend of the show Tony is doing a newsletter for me! It means I didn’t have to write one while I was sick :). And it’s a whopper — I’m surprised it fit in the size limit (did you know you can only send 100kb emails to gmail?).

Anyways, this is way better than any email y’all get from me, so enjoy:

My Review of the Municipality of Calgary

By “friend of the channel” Tony Kulenovic

Thank you, thank you. I’m glad to be back. Assuming this is another feature on the newsletter, that is. Otherwise, I guess Quyen placed me in the footnotes or something?

As avid readers of the Twice-Weekly Daily Nightly Buzz may recall, I had planned a trip to Calgary with some friends thanks to Quyen’s Invermere guide (I’m so sorry Tony, I didn’t have time). I thought it only fitting to provide a detailed account of said trip as I’m sure all members of The Colony are dying for a follow-up (The Swarm? The Hive? Not sure what the fanbase is called here…).

The Hatching of a Plan

It all began when I read Quyen’s review of “A Minecraft Movie” (I haven't watched the A Minecraft Movie. I'm reviewing it anyways.). The stunning accuracy they managed to describe the film with, despite never having seen it, was astounding. I knew that as soon as I read their review of Invermere without ever having been there (Getting into travel guides), I had to go to this town and see just how accurate Quyen’s review was.

Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. While my friends were down to go on a peaceful, nature-filled, weekend retreat, they didn’t quite see the point of going somewhere nobody has heard of. One friend, who we shall refer to as Toe-Stubber (because I’m too lazy to ask if he cares whether I use his real name or not), suggested Banff as an alternative.

Banff was too hard to get to. The compromise was Calgary.

And so, this egg of a plan hatched into a larva, grew into a pupa, and finally made its way to an adult (I’m gonna stop with the bee analogies now, that’s not my gimmick). 

The plan was for me and three friends to go to Calgary for the weekend. One friend, who we shall refer to as Sister-Works-At-Air-Canada-But-Couldn’t-Get-Him-A-Discount-On-A-Plane-Ticket-So-He-Cancelled-Early-On, ended up cancelling early on because his sister who works at Air Canada couldn’t get him a discount on a plane ticket. That left three of us. 

Then, two days before our flight, tragedy struck. Toe-Stubber, doing who knows what, had fatally stubbed his toe. (Okay, not fatally, but fun fact: the first newspaper article I wrote was me interviewing a high school teacher where I wrote that he was in a “fatal” car crash and luckily my friend caught it before it was sent to be published. I thought “fatal” just meant it was really serious up until then. I was in ninth grade.) Toe-Stubber’s injury was so bad that he reportedly could not even walk four minutes without it hurting. So Toe-Stubber had to cancel on going to Calgary. And then there were two.

Flair Employees, Capitalism’s Biggest Supporters

Our flight to Calgary was with the worst airline of all time, Flair Airlines. I have never met more scummy people than minimum wage Flair employees. Yes, the corporation itself is terrible for doing everything they can to steal money from you, but the employees are even worse because that money isn’t even going to them and yet they still do whatever they can to drain every little penny out of your pocket by enforcing the stupidest rules. Capitalism’s bootlickers. These are the people who go on Instagram and defend billionaires in the comments sections. I bet Flair employees tip their landlords too. Genuinely the scum of the earth.

I didn’t get charged extra (this time), I just have a burning hatred for these people.

Calgary Transit

After arriving in Calgary, we bought a bus pass. They have a deal called the “Weekend Group Day Pass” which applies to a max. of 2 adults for a whole day for $17, which isn’t too expensive considering we used the transit a fair bit. One issue I have with Calgary transit: it’s very unreliable. Each bus comes every 20-30 minutes, so you have to either plan out exactly when to be at the bus stop or you’ll be waiting a while. The street cars are pretty nice to ride in but we only rode in them from the airport to downtown, so I didn’t get much experience in them.

Another thing that sucked was that the streetcar station near our Airbnb was closed specifically for the weekend we were there for. That extended travel time to downtown as we had to bus. Also half the buses were on detour, most likely due to the upcoming Calgary Stampede.

But the real public transit in Calgary is the electric scooters. I finally knew what it felt like to be Scooter Dom (minus the [Editor’s Note: whoaaaa let’s not get into the libel zone.]). 

Calgary’s Neighbourhoods (Or the ones I’ve been to)

Downtown

3/10 - Surprisingly empty? Like does anyone even live in Calgary? The only people on the streets were tourists and the police officers who, yes, wear cowboy hats. Even the mall was empty. I also found an entirely AI-generated newspaper about cheese in a coffee shop here. I would give it a lower score but they had the Philadelphia eight-stripe flag and the trans flag painted on a single street, which I didn’t expect from Alberta.

Chinatown (and Eau Claire)

5/10 - was extremely depressing compared to our Chinatown. It’s basically two blocks of Asian foods and stores, including Japanese, Korean, and Vietnamese places. Half of the stores were “For Lease” or just shut down, a very depressing view of gentrification at work. Great dim sum at Silver Dragon Restaurant though.

I did enjoy an art exhibit at The New Gallery, which was about Eau Claire Market, a mall in the neighbourhood that had been demolished a year prior. The exhibit was a collection of memories from various people in the community who loved the market, and it was very clear that this place had a central role in many communities in the city. The mall was demolished to build a transit station, as the Eau Claire neighbourhood is undergoing changes for modernization, so it’s a very sad look at these two tiny neighborhoods in Calgary and how their respective communities are being driven out. I don’t think my description did it justice; read more about it at the linked page and on wikipedia.

Rosscarrock (Is apparently what the neighbourhood where our Airbnb was is called)

7/10 - suburban but next to a mall. Also nearby the Westbrook train station (I think their trains and streetcars are the same thing?) but it was closed during our trip due to renovations. A nice, calm area where you can yell out the code to your Airbnb house and no one will try to break in. Walmart and Dollarama are in the mall in case you forget to bring toothpaste and/or your phone charger. 

Also more importantly, Jubilations Dinner Theatre is next to that mall (which I unfortunately didn’t know until we drove off and I saw it through the bus window after checkout). I have been seeing ads for the Jubilations Dinner Theatre’s terrible Big Bang Theory musical (where Raj is replaced with Howard’s mom, played by a white man because there weren’t enough of those on the cast) for the past few months, and I had no clue it was in Calgary. Turns out the Big Bang Theory one is only in their Edmonton location and tickets are extremely overpriced. I will say, the Leonard actor is pretty spot on though.

I have no pictures from this neighbourhood so please enjoy more Big Bang Musical content

Kensington Village

10/10 - There was a bookstore, movie theatre, and escape room all side by side. Did not go to any since they were closed but had they been open I would’ve gone to all three. Also, this was the first place in Calgary we saw actual signs of life. Maybe because it was a nice sunny evening but there were a lot of people there and it was a lively area. 

Food

Silver Dragon Restaurant

Located in Chinatown, this place has been winning Consumer Choice Awards since 2002. That’s how you know it’s the real deal. Great har gow and I tried “Beef in Rice Crepe” for the first time and it was really good.

Hayden Block Smoke and Whiskey

This place was located in Kensington and was all meat. Even the salads had meat in them. We ordered a broccoli salad and they sprinkled bacon bits on it. Vegans are definitely persecuted here. 

It was my first time trying brisket (as seen on Young Sheldon) so that was something new. It tasted really great and I finally got to live out the Young Sheldon experience (which is different from the Big Bang Theory experience at Jubilations Dinner Theatre). 

Alberta Bakery

See: Heritage Park below in Attractions. I was told to buy a loaf of bread there but instead got cookies and tarts and wow were they good. The place smells so good the second you walk through the door and the employees’ little 1900s baker outfits are so cute. I went back twice. Not because there was a cute employee but because the cookies were good. I was not attracted to her. I mean there was no one there anyways. Whaaaaat?

(Image source if we’re being real professional about this: https://mimiscaketour.blogspot.com/2014/10/alberta-bakery-international.html)

REGRUB

This place was downtown and I have been wanting to go here for years, ever since my sister went and ate the unhealthiest food I’ve ever seen. I had a mac and cheese burger and a milkshake and it tasted delicious. Side note: their website is like a fun Russian roulette game where every one out of six times you click the link it will redirect you to a scam site! 

The restaurant’s name is also “burger” spelt backwards.

Attractions

Two Egghead Dudes

A must-see sight in Calgary. Located somewhere downtown, it was the first thing I saw when entering the area. Loved it.

Giant Head

Pretty self explanatory, it’s a giant head. Made to look meshlike/cagey, you can go inside and stand in the head. Not much else to do there. Also downtown.

Calgary House

If you’ve been to downtown Vancouver, chances are you’ve seen Vancouver House. But did you know that it has a sister building? Calgary House is the inverted version of Vancouver House. You could stack the two buildings together to make a single, normal-shaped building. It’s quite cool. 

CN Tower

But like a smaller, equally-expensive-to-enter, Calgarian version of it. I didn’t go inside.

Bow River

A surprisingly fast-flowing river weaving through Calgary and beyond; the water colour is quite nice.

Prince’s Island Park

An island in the middle of Bow River that’s great for a nice little nature walk. Or scooter ride. Not much going on as it’s fairly empty, but still a nice walk to take.

Peace Bridge

Didn’t go on it but it looks weird so that’s a cool attraction?

Heritage Park

I’ll keep my review of Heritage Park short, because I absolutely loved this place and have so much to say.

Imagine Disneyland, but instead of Mickey Mouse walking around the park it’s suffragettes and instead of rides there’s just really old buildings. If you enjoy history, this place is perfect for you. It’s similar to Burnaby Village Museum but waaaaay bigger and better. We watched a 35 minute musical in the park. We rode on a paddle steamboat for 20 minutes. We didn’t have time to ride the steam train, or street car, or horse-drawn carriage. The park is huge and full of different scheduled events, activities, and things to do with a huge cast of actors and other staff. There is an old-fashioned amusement park within the park. Crazy.

I have no photos that encapsulate the entire park so please check out the map on their website to understand just how big and expansive this place is.

Travelling Light

A blue ring in the middle of the highway with a street lamp on top of it. The staple of Calgary. The city’s pride and joy. My friend Tim told me about it and I freaked out when our bus drove past on the way to the airport. 

Quyen’s Recommendations

Truth Bar

0/10 - Didn’t go. If I had gone maybe I’d rate it higher.

Local Council Meetings

0/10 - Not happening while I was there. That’s on them; maybe they should’ve changed their schedule. 

Drédyn Fontana

After landing back in Vancouver after an eventful two days in Calgary, I headed straight home from the airport. I got off the skytrain at “Yaletown - Roundhouse” station and made my way up the escalator.

“Hey, man!” I turned around, wondering who had called out to me. It was none other than Drédyn Fontana, subject of the famous fan-fiction “A Presidential Affair” written by an anonymous author. 

“Oh, hey! I didn’t recognize you!” I blurted out. Damn it, I thought to myself, I meant to say ‘I didn’t notice you’. “How’s it going?”

“It’s going good, yeah. How about you?” Drédyn responded, smiling ever so slightly as he eagerly awaited my response.

“I’m good, yeah. Where are you goin- coming from?” I stuttered, still in shock to have encountered Senator Fontana so close to my home.

“Oh, I was just working - uh, at [NONDESCRIPT CHAIN RESTAURANT]” 

Wait, can I dox Drédyn’s workplace? Is that allowed? Editor Quyen please censor that if necessary. [Editor’s Note: Let’s not dox the man’s place of employment.] Anyways, I should probably not write about how I ran into Drédyn in a fanfiction format as it’s weird. Whoever wrote that anonymous fanfic is probably a weirdo. Bet they’re probably into cute random 1900s baker girls too. What a freak.

Closing Remarks

Aside from the one piece of racist graffiti, Calgary managed to stand out from the rest of Alberta. Well, and the cowboy hats. Aside from the one piece of racist graffiti and the cowboy hats.

I enjoyed my trip there and, dare I say, I would be down to go again someday? I need more time to explore Heritage Park. And watch the Big Bang musical at Jubilations (if it ever comes to the Calgary location). And explore the escape room, bookstore, and movie theatre combo at Kensington. Yeah, I’d go again.

I leave you all with the texts from my Calgarian friend when I told them I was in Alberta:

Thank you for having me once again. It’s been a pleasure.

Other News

Your girl is in the exec minutes

Yahoo all this attention is going to my head! Personally, I think they should have kept the version of the minutes that made me sound like a voyeur in the back of the room who gets off on parliamentary procedure.

More Joke Posting

I did some joke posting of AMS Council over at the humour at home Bluesky. I can’t embed any of them because Tony took up all of my links — but I’ll do so next issue.

That’s All!

I’m feeling better now :). No more sick, yahoo.

Until Sunday at 10:03 pm, buzz on, my busy bees!

Omega female since 2025