Well well well. Here we are. Tonight is the final night of the election season. It’s been a real good one. Shout out all the real candidates who have been out there every day all week canvasing and postering and what not. I did one day of putting up posters and handing out honey sticks, and that was a lot for me. Y’all are the real ones :D.

Also my partner’s mother just joined this newsletter so ummm…. hi. Welcome. Gonna be honest, this is a weird one for you to jump onto.

Saying Nice Things About My Crush Before Our Date

In Why The Ubyssey is the Most Kissable Organization on Campus (Pt 1), I defined what it meant for an organization to be kissable and proved that The Ubyssey is, in fact, a kissable organization. What remains for me to do—so I can prove the statement I made during the first debate on this election season—is prove that The Ubyssey is more kissable than any other organization on campus.

What Is a Kissable Organization

As a quick recap, these are the traits we decided made up a kissable organization.

Lovable. Not evil, not giving “mom.” (wow it’s so awkward that my partner’s mom is here; I love you Martine, but not in the same way as The Ubyssey). Should be funny, a little nerdy, and somewhat fruity.

Physically Attractive. I said this meant that the organization should have relatively modern means of interaction (services, website, social media presence, etc).

Invite Kissing. The organization needs to know/care about me. Should be able to interact with them.

How Will We Prove that The Ubyssey is More Kissable Than Any Other Organization On Campus.

I’m going to eliminate large swaths of other organizations from being more kissable than The Ubyssey. I will do so listing only one reason. And when The Ubyssey is the last one standing, it’ll be clear that they are the most kissable organization on campus. Some people may argue that this isn’t thorough enough or conclusive enough to which I say… well… I’ll tell you after our date :D

Breakdown of Less Kissable Organizations (all of them)

Again, we’re sending these into large generalizations, since I don’t want to write something for every one of the 400+ clubs on campus. Complain about my poor methodology however much you want. I’ve decided what I want to believe and no amount of “facts” or emails about how I didn’t properly treat the Commerce Undergraduate Society like the special kissable snowflake it is are going to change my mind.

UBC. Is trying to prevent graduate RAs from joining my union CUPE 2278. Unions are hot union busting ain’t. I don’t make the rules.

AMS. I dunno, I feel like she’s a little toxic. That doesn’t really fit our lovable criterion.

Board of Governors. Mostly appointed by the province, which isn’t very cute. Also too old for me.

Senate. Too many people with “Dr.” in front of their name. Also I don’t think senate is very funny. At least BoG has a funny little acronym.

AMS Council. Listen, I’ve been inside her forum every other week for the past two years. She doesn’t have her shit together enough.

Student Societies (AUS, SUS, etc). I don’t think they’re funny in a way that I appreciate.

Resource Groups (DUC, SJC, CJUBC, etc). I’m not gonna link because it feels mean, but some of these nerds operate exclusively on Facebook? Or don’t have complete websites. Frankly, what could be less physically attractive than regularly using Facebook. Some of them are fairly kissable though, just not as much as The Ubyssey.

The Bike Kitchen. I think by all my criteria they are kissable. They just haven’t put 8000 copies of my face across campus in 85+ locations like The Ubyssey has.

Agora/Sprouts. Likewise, I think they’re kissable. It’s just that neither of their websites have 6 whole articles about me, so they’re not inviting kissing as much.

Clubs. Unfortunately, far too associated with the AMS for me to feel that spark with you. I’m sure some of you are great! It’s just I really don’t vibe with your mama big AMS, and I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about her.

Conclusion

I feel like I’m losing my mind. This is not a normal thing to do. Anyways, there it is. I’ve done it. My obligation is complete.

The Ubyssey is the most kissable organization on campus. Irrefutable evidence. Can’t wait to see The Ubyssey at our date tomorrow evening at 8pm in the Gallery.

Other News

I Did Get Fact Checked!

God, it was so good. The Ubyssey is so kissable. They gassed me up so hard. As I said before, The Ubyssey is very hot when it fact checks people. You should go read the article.

It’s very funny that—since I have sources on my campaign website—five out of eleven links in my section of the fact check article were also on my website :D.

Et tu! I can fact check as well. (Reddit time :/)

If you remember in a previous newsletter, I mentioned I reached out to the Editor-in-Chief of The Phoenix News regarding the claims made in this Reddit post about Desjarlais and in the follow-up comment by Desjarlais. I got a response back and I wrote a thing though I think you fine folks may be among the only ones who will see it :)

Sam Low Thinks I’ve Called The Ubyssey Kissable Too Much

That’s it. The Kissable Ubyssey. The Kissable Ubyssey. The Kissable Ubyssey.

How Eagerly Y’all Await

Here are the results from last night’s poll:

I’ll say that despite the numbers, two-thirds of everyone the email was sent to opened it before 11 pm so…

From the Archives

In this penultimate newsletter of the elections season, I’m starting a new segment. I like to look back at old Ubyssey articles because it helps me feel a sense of connection. Like we aren’t the first and only ones to be going through… everything.

For today, the Board of Governors refused to allow The Ubyssey to report on their meetings

That’s All

Okay… I admit maybe I half assed this part two of why The Ubyssey is the most kissable organization on campus. But it’s like that sometimes.

For tomorrow, I’m going to pre-write a little bit about what I thought about this election season and what I plan to do with ubussy.ca and this newsletter going forward (I don’t think this newsletter goes away, I’ll give you that for free). Results are tomorrow at 9pm, so odds are I won’t be able to edit this newsletter much between results and publication. So… hopefully no wild fucking shit goes down :D. Luckily that never happens with the AMS, so we should be all good.

(who is in before the upset /u/sasamats win?)

Until tomorrow at 10:03 pm, buzz on, my busy bees!