Yesterday afternoon during the first of the AMS Presidential debates, The Ubyssey asked each candidate “Fuck, Marry, Kill: AMS Council, Senate, and Board of Governors.” In my response to this question, I said Fuck Council, Kill BoG, and Marry–not the Senate–but The Ubyssey. I justified my response by saying that The Ubyssey is the most kissable organization on campus.

Since then, The Ubyssey has updated their “since line” on their website to read “Most Kissable Organization on Campus since 1918.”

Additionally, since the debate, in email correspondences with me,  The Ubyssey has signed off “~The Most Kissable Organization on Campus“

In light of this, I figured I would use this space to justify my claim that The Ubyssey is the most kissable organization on campus. In this essay, I will define what it means for an organization to be kissable, prove that The Ubyssey is kissable, and then prove that it is more kissable than all other organizations on campus. This first email will define kissable and prove that The Ubyssey is kissable. In a future email, I will prove The Ubyssey is not just kissable, but more kissable than any other organization on campus.

Definitions

The Dictionary.com defines the word kissable as follows:

So, for an organization to be kissable, it must (1) be (a) lovable or (b) physically attractive AND it must (2) invite kissing. What does it mean for an organization to have these traits? Well, let’s dive into it.

1(a). Lovable

We’re starting off in a pretty subjective spot. I imagine this section is going to be different for everyone. But this is my newsletter so buzz off with your opinions (or I think there are comments somewhere? Leave your thoughts there, if indeed those exist).

Let’s start with some turn offs. Doing evil shit is one of them. Investing in weapons manufacturers, union busting, that vibe. Another one is being in too much of a direct student support role–such as AMS advocacy. It’s giving a little bit “mom,” which is not what I find kissable (MILF lovers suit yourselves though, not judging). 

I think the organization should be at least a little bit nerdy and a little bit funny. An academia-core vibe, but not too serious. Now, call me a sapphic, but a kissable organization should also be a little fruity. I’m not out here trying to kiss straight-coded campus organizations.

1(b). Physically Attractive

This is a little bit of a tough one for an organization. What does it mean for an organization to be physically attractive? Honestly, I don’t know. I think my criterion for this one is that the organization’s products (whether they be a service, a website, or something else) look relatively modern. An organization whose website looks straight out of 20th Century is not kissable in the slightest. 

2. Invite Kissing

I think that to invite kissing, the organization has to know you exist and also care about you. There should be some way for you to interact with the organization and for them to interact back with you.

Is The Ubyssey Kissable

So, we have our definitions for what an organization needs to hit to be considered kissable. Let’s assess the Ubyssey under these criteria. 

1(a). Is The Ubyssey lovable?

Just to go through the turn offs, I don’t think that The Ubyssey does evil shit. In fact, independent journalism is actually good shit (as long as you don’t listen to the AMS Exec burner accounts on Reddit). They also aren’t in a direct student support role. They’re nice and reliable: they’ll be there when you need a laugh from the Humour column or a recap of that AMS Council meeting you missed, but they’re not directly taking care of you. 

Now, a little bit nerdy. I think this one is easy. At the risk of applying circular reasoning, STUDENT JOURNALISM???? That’s nerdy as shit. You’re out here going to every AMS Council, Senate, and Board of Governors meeting? That isn’t jock behaviour. I don’t care if you say it’s because there was a girl you liked at one of those meetings. It’s nerd shit. 

A little bit funny? How about a lot a bit funny? I’ve been going to AMS Council and the debates for the past two years, and let me tell you, the Ubyssey Humour twitter really got me through some of those. Not to mention the rest of Humour’s written content. Or even ItDoesntWorkday. Which…. If you haven’t seen it yet, you are missing out. Sam Low is a comedic genius (hi I know you’re subscribed bestie).

 A little bit fruity? Once again, at the risk of applying circular reasoning, STUDENT JOURNALISM????? That’s fruity as shit. I think a non-fruity organization is one that supports the status quo and continues to enable existing systems of oppression. And I’d argue that The Ubyssey frequently challenges those in power in their reporting (see also: AMS executives crashout on reddit; AMS Food and Beverage Unionization, VP AUA Removal). Also like… have you seen anyone from The Ubyssey???

1(b). Is The Ubyssey physically attractive?

Again, this one isn’t a maximally applicable to an organization, but I’m trying. I think The Ubyssey website looks modern. Not quite as good as ubussy.ca, but what is? Not to get too spicy in the Nightly Buzz, but they’ve also got an RSS feed. Which is. Hot. RSS Feeds are great, more things should have them. Though I wish it was a full content feed and would actually pay a monthly subscription for that.

2. Is The Ubyssey inviting kissing?

I think The Ubyssey is flirting with me and if that’s not inviting kissing, I don’t know what is. Look at the top of this essay? Signing off emails mentioning how kissable they are? Sending a message directly to me on their front page? In front of the whole university??? I think The Ubyssey is down bad for me. As I am for The Ubyssey.

That’s All!

So, from the above, we’ve figured out what it means for an organization to be kissable and we’ve proven that The Ubyssey is kissable. All that’s left is to prove they’re more kissable than every other organization on campus… which will have to happen at some later date. Maybe tomorrow, but maybe also some point further in the future. I don’t know, I just work here.

In the meantime, check out The Kissable Ubyssey’s coverage of the Presidential Debates, as well as the rest of their election coverage. Also, if you haven’t, you’ve simply got to read The Kissable Ubyssey’s profile on me.

And remember, the final Presidential debate is this Thursday at 7pm! Be there!

Until tomorrow at 10:30 pm, buzz on, my busy bees!