Hey everyone!

I noticed in the past day that a bunch of members of The Ubyssey started following the newsletter (including on the ol’ official Ubyssey email accounts). And in my unending effort to get The Ubyssey to think and I’m just as kissable as they are, I’m going to spend this newsletter saying a whole bunch of nice things to them. Then, at the end, I’ll add a poll—if indeed that is a thing I can do—to get some help on how I should go forward in interacting with my crush on the Kissable Ubyssey.

Maybe I’ve Got A Crush

So, to start off, I’m going to include the statement I prepared for the end of last night’s presidential debate (with the addition of links to relevant sources). I had known that I was going to go relatively hard into The Ubyssey—just a comical exaggeration of the actions of our current president, our former president, and our current speaker of council/VP AUA’s partner/former VP AUA. In fact, I had originally planned to “crash out” on Reddit as previous presidents have recently done. However, after seeing… you know. All the Reddit stuff and the lack of media literacy there, I decided maybe it was best to drop that one. But anyways, I wanted the button of my campaign to be a message about the importance of The Ubyssey, especially when they are being attacked by… you know… the (student) government. And I figured that I could write a reasonably coherent argument in favour of The Ubyssey and calling out the toxic actions of our current representatives. My statement is below:

I only had 60 seconds, so this was as much as I could fit in. I hope that all of you Ubyssey folks know that you are appreciated by at least one bee here on campus. You folks do an incredible amount of work that is critical for our campus. And you really don’t get all the love you deserve (but I could give that love to you if you’ll let me <3). Anyways, that’s me glazing you all. Everyone else: yes, I do have a crush on The Ubyssey, and yes I am simping for them, and yes I am biased because of my love.

ALSO I only have two minutes before this goes live so I’m typing fast, but I know all you Ubyssey nerds are writing people and I PROMISE that I can write better than this I just choose not to edit anything here for the bit okay. Im really cool and can write well and am an English student so you know… I can do better than thissssss

Polls

Anyways, here are some polls about my relationship? Situationship??? With The Ubyssey. I’m looking forward to hearing everyone’s responses.

Other News

Oh God, I’m on Reddit Help Me

In which I brave the r/ubc Internet forum because I’m a masochist.

Press Coverage

The wonderful and kissable Ubyssey wrote about last night’s presidential debate! They wrote about my proposal to u/sasamats and mentioned that I was eating honey. But didn’t mention why I was eating honey. Or how much honey (200 fucking grams). Or—more disappointingly—the fact that u/sasamats slapped me across the face in the middle of the debate, and it was so convincing that someone from The Ubyssey asked me if I knew it was going to happen ahead of time (yes, I did. I told u/sasamats that they could slap me and they checked in with me like 3 times before it happened). The people deserved to know that happened.

Honestly, if anyone has any audio/video recording of any part of that debate, I’d love to have a copy :). Just putting that out into the world.

Also, Ubyssey people. I know you’re here :). And I know a bunch of y’all subscribed with your actual ubussy emails. I have just a little ask for y’all. I’d love to have [email protected] on my mailing list because the last ever Coordinating Editor is absolutely iconic. I know, I know, that role became the Editor-in-Chief (I don’t know the specifics of how it works at the Ubyssey, but I was told by ✨someone special✨ that I should explain the difference between the Coordinating Editor and the Editor-in-Chief. So… here’s a link. I dunno how true it is). But the email address for the Coordinating Editor still exists. Surely you could do a little something something just for me, right :).

Honey Health Update

As some of you may know, yesterday I ate simply way too much honey. Someone I know in Nursing who I shared the stage with previously said that it was five times the recommended daily limit. Which I don’t believe. I think it’s more.

The wonderful folks at the Humour section of the most kissable organization on campus were concerned about some of the “side effects of eating too much honey [which] include gas, bloating, and diarrhea.” I’m happy to share I experienced none of those symptoms! I was very lightheaded for the entire night, suffered a persistent (but mild) abdominal ache, and simply could not fall asleep. But other than that, no serious symptoms. And by the time I awoke, I was basically symptom free.

So let this be a lesson to all of you at home. If you do something funny (but potentially hazardous to your health) for the bit, you’ll never ever be punished.

That’s All

That’s all I’ve got for tonight. I honestly didn’t realize this newsletter would become Oops All Ubyssey Thirst. But I also didn’t think that they’d KEEP FLIRTING BACK. They’re enabling this behaviour, that’s all I’m saying. I have no idea what tomorrow’s newsletter will be. Maybe it’ll be a debate retrospective. Maybe something else that’s lower effort. Who am I kidding, all of this is lower effort. Well, potentially with exception of Why The Ubyssey is the Most Kissable Organization on Campus (Pt 1) which I actually spent hours on. How obvious is it that I’m down bad?

Until tomorrow at 10:03 pm, buzz on, my busy bees!