I played a new TTRPG this week! It goes. Absolutely crazy, and I think it numbers among the TTRPGs I think would be killer introductions for new players.

It’s called Goblin Quest. Absolutely a comedy rpg. In it, you play a clutch (essentially a family) of five goblins. Well, you play one goblin at a time. But your goblins die a lot, and when they do, you continue playing with the next goblin in your clutch!

All of your goblins are similar: they have the same honorific (such as ‘chucklefuck’), expertise (such as ‘seeming like they can read and write’), quirk (such as ‘suspiciously slick’), and dream (such as ‘celebrity’). Your clutch also has a family heirloom (such as ‘a banana peel that’s very good at making people go slip’) that gets passed down from one goblin to the next.

However, each goblin also has a defining characteristic that separates them from the rest of their clutch (such as ‘constantly drooling’, ‘buck tooth’, or ‘French’). And for each goblin, you have to draw them on your character sheet. Which is INCREDIBLE. (When we played, we shared the goblin drawings only after the goblin died. RIP Spitty.)

Now… what are your goblins trying to accomplish? Well, that’s among one of my favourite parts of this game. The book contains a list of 60 quests. And each member of your group chooses a quest, then you mash them up into a stupid convoluted plan!

Our group of goblins devised a plan to kill a bear and lure out a demi-orc demi-demon baby so we could make a bear nanny suit to allow us to infiltrate a bear party where we would find someone to frame for our lighting our goblin camp on fire with our flaming farts. Simply such a dumb plan but it was…. Perfect????? Like such an incredible goblin plan? Truly incredible design.

And the action resolution system was super simple! You roll a six sided die. And you roll an additional six sided die for each aspect of your goblin that would be helpful. So if you are trying to cause a baby to slip on the ground and slide towards a window, you might roll your base six sided die, plus two additional six sided dice (one from your ‘suspiciously slick’ quirk and one from your ‘constantly drooling’ defining characteristic). Then you compare each die to this table:

Theoretically you’re hoping for a lot of victories, but honestly??? I was hoping for injuries! What can be more fun than describing your goblin getting their bones crushed in the small intestine of a bear! (RIP Spitty)

This was I think the first GM-less TTRPG I’ve played where everyone plays a character. (The other GM-less TTRPG I’ve played is Microscope, where players a working together to build a history — not playing distinct characters.) It was honestly really fun. Sharing authority over the imaginary world was really nice. Anyone was able to add what they thought would be comedic to a scene (such as a single bear (human male gay) in a house party of bears (animals)).

There were definitely ways I would have modelled player behaviour differently if I were to play again — more describing results of my rolls and set ups mostly. And like… I really want to play again. It’s so simple that I think it’s a great intro to TTRPGs. And it can be played fairly quickly! I’d be surprised if I don’t return to Goblin Quest at some point.

Other News

I just want to send some hate out into the world

I’d like to share a little bit of an f-you to the person at Ren Faire multiple (like… 5?) years ago who said I had big man hands while I was trying on your rings. Like… I was trying to patronize your business, and you’re coming at me like that?????

I didn’t even have hand-based dysphoria before you, and now I think of it all the time D:. I don’t think of my hands as just hands anymore and that’s not very nice. And it’s made me very self conscious when I look at rings because whenever one I like is too small for me I always think of the big man hands comment. You’ve kept me from being a rings gay for years.

BUT I HAVE CONQUERED YOU. I am strong! I have overcome the off-hand comment you made half a decade ago that you probably didn’t even remember saying 2 minutes after you said it. I AM VICTORIOUS. TAKE THAT!!!!!!!

For I have purchased ring :). My first one. Place bets on how long it will take me to lose it :D.

I missed another council DDDDD:

That’s All!

Listen I like ttrpgs. You’re on my newsletter I’ll write about whatever I want. Once I finish everything else I have to write, I’ll have to write about the VERY nerd shit Draw Steel thingie I’m working on.

Also, before we played Goblin Quest, my partner’s father asked if we’d be playing it on our bed (we were, since it was online via video call). Then he said “with your clothes on?” WHICH WAS MORTIFYING. Because it sounded like he was asking if we were going to be doing a phone sex foursome with roleplaying. Which… oh my god I wanted to die. But that’s not what he meant THANK GOD. All three of us at the table just misheard him.

Until Sunday at 10:03 pm, buzz on, my busy bees!

Horny goblins since 2025