Some have said I forgot the newsletter was supposed to go out today. They’d uhhhhhh… be wrong for…. reasons.

Anyways, my sweet thespian Draw Steel character was slain, two weeks prior to today. It was epic. He did his dream of writing, producing, and starring in a successful play. And literally right after opening night, the party went to do a heist/hit on a extraplanar stronghold of a faction set on killing the queen. And ummmm… he died on that mission. Which is epic. Anyways, I’ve been given permission to release the Zelikaz files, so here’s his backstory. (It’s kinda crazy in such a fun way.)

Zelikaz

My story starts on a ship sailing out of Vyzich. A new world and journey at my fore and a tired old story at my aft. Debt and personal quarrels had gotten the best of my life before I left, but now I was to start anew. I had heard whispers of the forests of Iyu, but little of its people: surely industrious to survive in such magic-touched lands. I knew they would have great technologies and resources and art. And with them, I could trade and barter, eventually developing a product that none had ever dreamed of! That money would free me to produce plays and create whatever art the heart wants.

Few had talked of successful business ventures on Iyu: to any reasonable mind an indicator they were too scared to seize their destiny or too worried someone else would first. I have no such fears. My future was my own. They could not trick me into believing there was nothing of worth on Iyu. I would seek it out and profit greatly! The fools.

Captain Griffith and the One-eyed Monkey

I had chartered the ship of the honourable Captain Griffith (she/her), who had offered to sail me to Iyu for a small fee, which I assured him would be delivered upon my arrival in Iyu. We took her standard sailing path, frequently stopping into port side towns. I myself particularly enjoyed the sea and–at the insistence of Captain Griffith and her crew–stayed within the hull of the One-eyed Monkey  during our visits. And successful visits they were for each time she returned from visiting a port, Griffith returned with a bounty of gold, gems, and pelts: surely more valuable than whatever goods she brought to trade.

Alas, it was not to last for by the time we reached the southern tip of Callegria, Captain Griffith had seen through my ploy. I had no gold to give–just my precious collection of tomes of the greats and my own writings. I offered to pen a ballad for her crew in exchange for the remainder of my journey, but she accepted no such offer. As her crew closed in on me, threatening to throw me overboard, I spun a fable to entice Captain Griffith. To our north lived a powerful magma dragon, I had read in the legends. One with a mighty hoard of gold and treasure. This much–to be sure–was true. However, I then told her that I had found a word of power, that when chanted prevented this mighty being from perceiving you: Spirrim. She bought this lie, sparing my life on the condition that I travel along with her and her crew to the mouth of this dragon’s lair. I had not expected avarice to cause the honourable Captain Griffith to become blind to reality, but I counted my blessings that I could live another day.

In the night, I knew I must escape. Though we sailed up a stream of scalding water, I knew my fate was better in the drink than with the dragon who awaited us. The crew was stationed on the deck, absorbed in their chanting as I had instructed them. Spirrim, Spirrim, Spirrim, they chanted, eyes closed. I weighed my options and risked a venture into the hold of the One-eyed Monkey. Within, I found gold beyond measure, gems enough to make the late Octavian jealous, and miscellaneous trinkets and items a plenty. Captain Griffith’s business skills truly had no match, and I wished I had learned her bartering techniques. But no time for that, I grabbed what I could and jumped off the ship into the steaming water, cries of Spirrim, Spirrim, Spirrim behind me. 

Solo in Callegria

For many weeks I walked across Callegria. Alone. Much of the gold I had taken from Captain Griffith’s treasury had left my arms as soon as I touched the water, but I had enough to purchase supplies in the towns I came across. Though things are expensive in Callegria! Probably 10-20 times what I paid back in Vyzich. I oft hoped that the honourable Captain Griffith realized my deception and turned back in time, but by the rumble of the mountain in the days after I left the ship, I suspected the worst.

Many kind people offered to help me on my journey, riding my gold ahead on horseback and allowing me to stay in their home for the night. Would that I could include these kind folks as much more than a footnote in my esteemed autobiography, but I fear too much adventure lies in my future.

I arrived in Callishay, where I once again went about attempting to charter a ship: though now with actual funds. I mean no offence to my Callishayan readers, but the seafarers of Callishay were uneducated and inexperienced, calling the late honourable Captain Griffith a fool for sailing to the south of the continent instead of the north. One particularly bad mouthed sailor even had the gall to call her a corsair! The inhumanity. 

Across the Ocean in the Soulraker

Luckily, in time I found a reasonable offer. The fourth mate of The Soulraker promised me passage, so long as I stayed quietly in the hold and hid in a barrel when the crew came within. I accepted, giving them half my gold before the journey and promising the other half of my gold upon my arrival. 

I was used to staying below decks, as was my arrangement with the late honourable Captain Griffith. However, my month-long experience upon the Soulraker was unsettling, to say the least. The fourth mate: named Phage (she/her), always wore this white mask covered in blood and pus-like stains. Her clothes too were thick, cloaking the entirety of her body in black fabric such that I’d never see her skin. When she came down every other day to feed me, she’d throw this strange, rat-like insect-like creature to my feet. Though it was covered in eyes and tongues, it was all I had to eat. And even though it made me ill, it was better than nothing.

I have experienced better accommodations and hospitality. The sounds from above decks were chilling: akin to screams and mournful wailing. I asked Phage about this once and she said something about her culture and worship. And, well, if I am going to a new continent, I best get practice adapting to unfamiliar cultures! Free myself of judgement and the expectations of Vyzich.

Not only that, but the ship was in poor repair. The walls of the hull appeared to be leaking for each time I touched them, I felt a viscous liquid. And the wood of the ship itself was squishy and almost… pulsing. I thought this ought to be checked on, but Phage assured me it was under control.

By the time we arrived in Aisir Aiwenor, I had grown tired of my time on the Soulraker. My eyes yearned for light and my skin for the gentle touch of sun. Phage insisted I stay below decks, citing something about my… soul’s marination. I suspect an error in translation; afterall, Naportivian is not Phage’s first language. After a couple days of insisting on getting some time on land and consistently being shut down, I had had enough. I went to push past Phage and leave the ship myself. Phage in a moment of surprise, lashed out to strike at me, though it never connected. A diamond ring I had taken from the late honourable Captain Griffith began to glow, protecting me. No attempt to explain myself got through to Phage and I cursed the language barrier between us. When she called out for assistance, I made a break for it, knocking her back and grabbing her mask before rushing through the winding halls of the ship, weathering the assaults of the various crew members. My diamond ring glowed brighter and brighter, deflecting a strange variety of ceremonial weapons: barbed tongue like whips, blood stained claw-themed daggers, and slings flinging stones painted to look like eyeballs. By the time I jumped from the deck, my ring had glown impossibly bright… and shattered. But I was free.

Nocturne’s Hospitality

By the time I washed up on the shore of Aisir Aiwenor, two nights had passed. I was defeated. My precious tomes had long since been lost. Much of my money spent or sunken at the bottom of the sea. I must have laid on that beach for hours and I must admit I would have stayed for many hours more were I not found by a kindly fisher and her posse of elderly assistants. Her elderly assistants carried me to her cottage, a tall tower in the midst of the wilderness. 

She called herself Nocturne (she/her) and explained she was an enchanter that had been driven out of her very own town–Aisir Té. I know not why her people had such animosity for her. In her kindness, she performed a rite to restore me to health. I must say, before that, I had felt very much not like myself, stuck below decks of the Soulraker. Nocturne reinvigorated me, restoring my purpose and spirit.

I thought of asking her why she insisted on having the elderly serve her and tend to her cottage, but I figured it rude, given her generosity. I told her of my plan to journey to Iyu and establish a great business venture, much to her amusement. She laughed when I offered her a share of the profits; I only realized later how ridiculous an offer that was. What use is money if your town has inexplicably turned against you? She gave me a counter offer. She would prepare a ritual to teleport me to Iyu. In exchange, I would agree to gather an Empyrean Stag Heart, which I think is some type of rare plant only found on Iyu. She left a book out that said as much in the days before offering me the deal. I gladly accepted, and she performed an elaborate magic handshake, apparently to bind me to my word, before translating me to Iyu.

The Forest’s Name

I arrived within a wonderful forest, vibrant plants and sparkling lights surrounding me. Butterflies of purple and blue danced around me, and a warmth filled the air. I wandered for a bit, taking in the environment. I’d sit and eat some of the scintillatingly-hued fruits growing from the trees and pick the cutest mushrooms off the ground.

A wonderful time it was, though I cannot remember how long I spent in that state. I knew I had no idea where I ought to be going and little motivation to leave this paradise. 

Until a figure arrived before me. They called themself [REDACTED]. They welcomed me to Iyu and told me they could tell I was not from around here. I conceded that I was not and explained my purpose and my journey, insisting that though from a land far away, I was open to learning and practicing the traditions of the place I now was. 

[REDACTED]’s face alit at that. I think they were nervous before, but seeing my well-intent, relaxed. They told me that something that everyone has on Iyu is a Name. A Secret Name. One they hold close to the chest. And if I were to fit in with the people of Iyu, I would have to find a Name. I felt a little out of my depth, but thankfully, [REDACTED] offered to help me find my Name.

I chose: [REDACTED ZELIKAZ TRUE NAME], after a legend sung about the rise of the late Emperor Octavian. [REDACTED] gave an Iyuan performance, then congratulated me on the binding of a Name to my soul. Not only that, they showed me where I should go next, and arranged some people that I can meet to get my start. 

[REDACTED] said though that I should keep our arrangement hidden, only spoken of in whispers beneath the full moon. They helped me develop a story to tell: that I was a student at a drama college and that I was working on a thesis: the story of heroes. I liked this plan, for I know that–in addition to my future successful business ventures–I am destined to be a world renown writer and thinker!

Other News

The Mighty Nein show is very good

These guys are my babies I love them so much and now they’re animatedddd. This doesn’t have any of the babies, but it has COOL MAGIC WHICH I LOVE. They use material components and it’s so coooolll. I love magic. Wizards are in fact the sexiest class. Magic is so cool and how does one not love a massive nerd.

They made a lot of changes from the 556 hours, 34 minutes, and 24 seconds of source material, which I think was really positive. They also made Beau the absolute coolest, which is deserved because she’s literally so epic but the Critical Role online community hates women, so she caught a lot of vitriol.

Also, huge discovery by Sam Low(key), if you click the image for the Mighty Nein animated series on duck duck go with safe search off, it very quickly brings you to a lot of porn. (I fact checked this while sitting at Sam Low’s desk with my editor on the other side of a cubicle divider. I’ve never seen more blue tits in my life.)

More Cooking

I found some epic tech which is you can go to used book stores and just page through vegetarian cook books to get ideas :). I’m in such a cooking era y’all. It’s great. I made some like… macaroni and cauliflower and brie casserole thing today which was good. I was going to make a zucchini angel hair pasta but my boyfriend’s partner doesn’t like zucchini so I changed it because I’m a good metamour. I’ve made pancakes for our Draw Steel group (essentially the polycule + our token cishet man but with crazy bi wife energy) like two weeks in a row which has been epic.

On Wednesday I’m going to try to make Orange Chicken-but-with-tofu. Which I’m excited about :). Will get some orange zesting action happening. I’d love if I pulled it off because I am an orange chicken enjoyer but I am not a chicken cooking enjoyer. I’m believing so hard that it’ll go well and it’s not high stakes at all because it’s not like I’ve invited four people over for it and it’s not like one of the reasons [REDACTED] is my boyfriend [REDACTED] (which is slightly [REDACTED]).

Beehiiv is a silly little guy

She’s trying to get me to sell ads to you folks. And I’d need a subscription to do it and it’d be for 3 (three) dollars. Rest assured, even though I can see exactly when and sometimes roughly where you open these newsletters, I’ll never sell you folks out. You’ll never believe this, but I’m not here for the money.

Speaking of Money

Boy I’m really filling space that doesn’t need to be filled because I wanted to tell you folks that I scheduled an investment meeting at my credit union??? They were so nice. I went in person and I was just like “can I do the investing?” and the person was really sweet and told me how proud she was of me a bunch of times (I love off external validation). She asked me so many questions that I was just like… shrug about because they were using words I simply didn’t know. But she was nice about it, which made me feel better :). Anyways I’m (sam) lowkey kind of excited about it because I’m gonna learn so much about money stuff and I’m going to be so on top of being ethical it’s gonna be great. (I’m also gonna predict that there is going to be an explanation of Conservative/Balanced/Growth/Aggressive like Gagan gave in council. See mom, who said student union politics wouldn’t apply to real life!)

That’s All!

I’ve got to go run! And write a thing for the EIC before tomorrow. My boyfriend have been doing a lot of late night runs which is… basically the only chance we get to do stuff outside of ttrpgs. But that’s fine because exercise is incredible. It makes you… feel better? Crazy times. There have been very scary mentions of doing a half/full marathon in May. Which would be silly funny times. That’s a lot of fitness to regain (me when I unironically peaked in 10th grade), but it would be doable. Could be fuuuunnnnnnn :)

See y’all in a fortnight (December 7) at 10:03 pm. Until then, buzz on, my busy bees!

Some people are competent and some are astronauts since 2025